Navigating Divorce with Ethics: Honoring Both Parties

So, you find yourself facing a crisis in your marriage and land on the side of divorce. Now that the decision is made, the question arises: Can you keep things ethical? Can you navigate the process in a way that honors both parties? While less than 5% of divorce cases are decided by a judge, litigation itself is rooted in assigning guilt and fault. I started wondering about the role ethics play in divorce, and how does it manifest?

When I started thinking about ethics in divorce, certain images came to mind—the snake oil salesman of the 1920s, Mr. Potter from "It’s a Wonderful Life," and a lawyer more concerned with fees than with their clients' well-being.

In divorce, ethics might appear when a distraught client is assured that everything will be okay, letting them know that divorce does not mean economic demise. Or when you show a client the data to support the option to sell their home despite their emotional attachment. As a financial advisor, you might be the only one who sees that keeping the house could lead to financial ruin. Delivering this difficult news is better than allowing them to face foreclosure or bankruptcy. Ultimately, the concern should be for the stability and welfare of both parties, especially if children are involved.

This is where the real difference lies. Regardless of who your client is, the goal should be to help the couple become the best divorced family they can be—because they’re still a family. The objective is to guide them through the process without either party feeling like a criminal. In the U.S., however, the litigation process often leaves couples feeling punished, angry, and financially devastated. We’ve got it all wrong!

It’s a mistake to treat divorce as a legal dispute best handled in a courtroom. The process often neglects the fact that this is not primarily a business matter—it’s a family situation. In my experience, differences in opinion over asset division only become disputes when fueled by combative attorneys or misguided advice from family and friends. While there are many ethical attorneys out there, our court system is inherently adversarial. Even with good intentions, it appears that someone is picking a fight.

The reality is that the legal system wasn’t designed for family situations—it was designed for crime. It’s no surprise that many couples who go through litigation feel like criminals by the end. But with the growth of the collaborative process and mediation, we’re moving toward a more ethical approach. The beauty of being human is that we can change. We can recognize when something doesn’t work and do it better. We can help families who have decided that two households are better than one to make that situation work with love, understanding, and a system that supports them.